JET & PATCH — Official House Takeover HQ

BREAKING: Guinea pigs seize control of household • Fridge raided — all lettuce now belongs to Jet & Patch • Sofa officially claimed as sovereign guinea pig territory • Remote control commandeered — it's only nature documentaries now • Dad forced to pay rent in cucumber slices • Sources confirm: human child last seen heading to "the mountains" — suspicious • BREAKING: Guinea pigs seize control of household • Fridge raided — all lettuce now belongs to Jet & Patch • Sofa officially claimed as sovereign guinea pig territory • Remote control commandeered — it's only nature documentaries now • Dad forced to pay rent in cucumber slices • Sources confirm: human child last seen heading to "the mountains" — suspicious •

PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE

EXHIBIT A

The masterminds. Jet briefs Patch on Phase 2 of Operation Wheek Freedom.

Monday 06:35 — the plotting begins

EXHIBIT B

Jet inspects the hay reserves. "This will last approximately four minutes."

Monday 07:00 — hay audit in progress

EXHIBIT C

Jet's official portrait for the new guinea pig passport.

Monday 08:12 — Head of Operations

EXHIBIT D

Patch has trained the adult human to carry him everywhere. "This is the way."

Monday 09:45 — transport acquired

EXHIBIT E

Jet discovers biscuits. Decides they are now guinea pig currency.

Monday 10:30 — economic reform

EXHIBIT F

Patch doing his best "I'm innocent" face. He is NOT innocent.

Monday 11:15 — deception level: expert

EXHIBIT G

"Yes I AM the sofa now. Do you have a problem with that?"

Monday 12:00 — sofa annexation complete

EXHIBIT H

Patch discovers the concept of "being cosy." Refuses to ever move again.

Monday 13:20 — immovable object detected

EXHIBIT I

The face Patch makes when Dad suggests it might be bedtime.

Monday 14:00 — the audacity

EXHIBIT J

Patch gazes into the distance, plotting world domination. Or thinking about lettuce. Hard to tell.

Monday 15:10 — visionary behaviour

EXHIBIT K

"Draw me like one of your French guinea pigs."

Monday 16:45 — modelling career launched

EXHIBIT L

Official portrait of Patch, Minister for Vegetables. Very serious. Very important.

Monday 17:30 — government headshot

EXHIBIT M

Patch surveys his kingdom from the observation deck (someone's arm).

Tuesday 08:00 — morning inspection

EXHIBIT N

Patch claims the entire sofa. The human is allowed to stay as a cushion.

Tuesday 09:15 — furniture reassignment

EXHIBIT O

Patch held aloft like Simba. "EVERYTHING THE LIGHT TOUCHES... has cucumber on it."

Tuesday 10:30 — the coronation

EXHIBIT P

Patch reluctantly accepts cuddles. "I am tolerating this. For strategic reasons."

Tuesday 11:45 — tactical affection

EXHIBIT Q

Extreme close-up. You can see the mischief in his eyes. And the hay in his fur.

Tuesday 12:00 — zoom and enhance

EXHIBIT R

The daily briefing. "Jet, status report?" "All cucumber reserves: secured, sir."

Tuesday 14:00 — operational sync

EXHIBIT S

The human child with both co-conspirators. This is the LAST photo before she left for "skiing."

Sunday — the calm before the wheek

EXHIBIT T

"Don't worry. We'll be FINE." (narrator: they were more than fine. They were in charge.)

Sunday — famous last words

EXHIBIT U

Jet pretending to be a well-behaved guinea pig. Classic misdirection.

Before the takeover — the innocent days

EXHIBIT V

"She suspects nothing. Phase 1 is a go." — Jet's internal monologue

Before the takeover — deep cover

EXHIBIT W

The human child. We do miss her a bit. Her cucumber-cutting was superior.

Pre-departure — we're not crying, you're crying

OFFICIAL TAKEOVER LOG

MONDAY 06:30

— Jet, Head of Operations

The small human has departed for something called "skiing." We have no idea what this is but it sounds cold and suspicious. No guinea pig would willingly go somewhere cold. This confirms our theory that humans are not very bright.

MONDAY 06:32

— Patch, Minister for Vegetables

Jet has given the signal. Operation Wheek Freedom is GO. I repeat: GO. First objective — the fridge. Second objective — also the fridge.

MONDAY 08:15

— Jet, Head of Operations

The tall human (the one they call "Dad") attempted to put us back in our enclosure. We deployed our most advanced weapon: looking extremely cute and doing tiny wheeks. He crumbled in approximately 4 seconds.

MONDAY 11:00

— Patch, Minister for Vegetables

Have completed a full audit of the kitchen. Results are disappointing. Only THREE types of lettuce? In THIS economy? We have filed a formal complaint (pooped behind the toaster).

MONDAY 15:30

— Jet, Head of Operations

Discovered the thing called "central heating." This changes everything. We now understand why humans live in houses. It's not because they're clever. It's because they accidentally invented warm floors. We are claiming all warm floors as guinea pig property.

TUESDAY 09:00

— Patch, Minister for Vegetables

Dad tried to video call the small human to prove we are "fine." We are more than fine. We are THRIVING. We posed majestically. She did not seem concerned enough about our rise to power. This is a mistake.

TUESDAY 16:00

— Jet, Head of Operations

We have established a new currency. 1 Cucumber Slice = 5 minutes of being allowed to sit on the sofa. Dad is now entirely bankrupt. The economy is booming (for us).

A MESSAGE TO OUR HUMAN

Dear Small Human,

We hope you are enjoying your "skiing" (we looked it up — sliding down a mountain on sticks? Humans are WEIRD).

We want you to know that everything is fine here. Absolutely fine. Nothing to worry about. Don't listen to anything Dad says.

The house is in perfect condition.* We have made some small improvements. The sofa now has a lot more hay on it. You're welcome.

Please come home soon. Not because we miss you or anything. It's just that Dad is running out of cucumber and frankly his vegetable-cutting skills are nowhere near your standard.

*"Perfect condition" is defined by guinea pig standards and may not match human expectations.

With wheeks and nose boops,
Jet & Patch

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